TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely out of location. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A further position wherever American Adult men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: present All people a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he need to prevent employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You already know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the making's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

Report this page